A Very Cheesy Oscars

First off, congratulations to 3 6 Mafia! Even though I do love me some Dolly Parton, I have to admit it was amusing as hell to see those dudes run up on stage, in their jeans and tennis shoes and blinged out grills to accept their Oscar. I love the idea that Mickey Rooney was watching and probably thought he was losing his mind.

Next, a big shout-out goes to the lovely Meredith and Ilana for providing me with more cheese, cupcakes and homemade "Heath" Ledger Crunch and Chocolate "Jake Gyllenhall" Gelato than any woman should ever attempt to consume in one sitting.

OK, back to the Oscars and what I thought of them, because really, isn't that why we're here?

Jennifer Anniston was looking mighty thin, as usual. God, is gaunt the new black? Poor thing. The only thing clinging to her more tightly than the absolutely stunning black dress she was wearing was probably her desire to have a baby. Or eat one, from how fucking starving she looks.

At least she wasn't posing for some magazine cover or whining about her broken marriage.

(And, with that, I have successfully cursed myself to live out the rest of my life alone, barren and utterly miserable. And you know what, God, it was worth it. Worth every bitchy sentence, so....HA!)

Frankly, Jennifer should be taking "how to make him look like a retard for fucking up the relationship" lessons from one Ms. Uma Thurman.

She looked amazing--and the bitch has kids! I think she's still dating this super-hot, super-rich hotelier so in your face, Ethan Hawke! She almost looked good enough for me to forgive her for "Be Cool." I am a little concerned that she was looking just a smidge Nicole Kidman-ish in the forehead, but whatever, bitch. You rock them stillettoes, ho.

I'm actually happy that Phillip Seymour Hoffman won for "Capote" cause I really loved the movie, but boo to him for 2 counts:

#1 for dressing like Tony Soprano

#2 for not barking.

He could have made up for it with a crazy rambling speech about his mother and the NCAA championships and...oh yeah, I guess he did. My bad.

Whatever. We still loves ya, bitch. Congrats to you and your pretty wife! But seriously, you should have barked.

All right, all right. Granted, I did love "Monster" and I have a feeling "North Country" was a really good movie, but Charlize Theron is too friggin' classy these days. What's with the bow? Does she fancy herself a present? And why so serious all the time?

I think there was one time when Jon Stewart made some joke referencing her and when the cameras cut to her, she was laughing in such a dignified manner it was painful.

I do have to say she did look pretty, even though she was wearing a total piano recital dress.

You would think that JLO would have completely mastered the fake tan by now, but the chick was rocking the orange a little too hard at the Oscars last night, despite having access to make-up artists and mystic tan experts 24/7.

I liked her green dress and nothing can beat the moment when she was walking out on stage to present, flitting her wrist with every step so that the sides of her dress would poof out to the side. I love clothing that requires choreography.

She looked great and so did Jessica Alba, but Ms. Salma Hayek was the one who walked away with the Oscar for the hottest Latina presenter last night. In a fucking awesome blue dress and not a shred of a highlight in sight, the bitch rocked the stage in electric blue.

Eat your heart out Ed Norton.

Salma's all, "What? Like it's hard? Please, I can rock a fucking unibrow, bitches. Kiss my ass. Peace."

So, those were the Oscars, bitches, and if I've left anything out--trust me, it wasn't worth mentioning.